Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Making Choices Early

I've been giving a lot of thought recently to teaching children to make choices. As I watch the college students that surround us, I ask myself what makes the difference between those who are truly prepared for college and those who really struggle. One aspect seems to be whether or not they have grown up making their own decisions or whether their parents have continued to make decisions for them. I have come to value the approach of ...assisting young people in learning to make their own choices as they grow.

Years ago we managed the lodge at Zion Canyon. As the summer started, families dropped off their sons and daughters for their first time away from home. We could tell that they were families with high moral standards. The parents were dedicated to their religion and had taught high values and principles to their children. These newly independent young people seemed to take one of two routes. Some became examples for the others in leadership and great character, dependable, hard working employees and all around great kids. Others took a direct course toward the party group. They parted with the standards they had been taught and changed their previous lifestyle dramatically.

My husband and I tried to analyze what made the difference and decided that some of the young people had internalized good principles through their opportunity to make decisions and direct their own lives while still at home and others had been directed by their parents' values until they left. Once they were on their own, somehow,they equated exercising their personal agency with choosing a course different than their parents. Of course, there are always exceptions. It is not a rule, but this is how we interpreted it. We decided at that time to do our best to raise independent children. We most likely were blessed with exceptional children who would have chosen high standards anyway, but we hope they benefitted from . Each of them knows how to manage his own life and is driven by his own personal values.

The world in which we raised our children is a much different one than the world we live in today. The most basic difference is that society shared most of the values we were trying to teach as we raised our family, but today society's values are much different than our values and the ones we feel will bring the greatest happiness to our children, grandchildren and on...Fighting society makes it much more difficult. Instead of being admired by peers, those who follow the standards of our religion are often seen as really abnormal and weird or even worse, bigoted and judgmental. Because they hold to a higher moral standard, they are often laughed at or criticized. The right to live one's own life by one's own standards seems to only apply to those who want to change society to a more liberal focus.

In an effort to protect our children sometimes the tendency is to strive to totally control their environment, experiences, and even decisions. I believe, this stifles their own opportunity to grow as individuals and internalize their beliefs. I once attended a lecture on parenting which has stayed with me and prompted some serious thought. The speakers related raising children to stages in growing a garden. They identified ages 0 to 8 as the "planting" season. Children during these ages can be taught basic principles of life which forms a solid foundation. It is during these years that children create their basic concept of life and how it works. They are open and pretty well accept anything their parents teach.

The next stage 8 to 14 is the nourishing stage, "feeding and watering". As the child grows he is further nurtured with teachings and example, making choices and decisions under the careful guidance of the parents. Stage 14-16 is the"weeding". The child has a lot more options and influences and the parents help guide him through more dangerous activities and choices to help him understand the different forces which will influence him, so he can make good decisions.

Then what the speakers said next, totally surprised the audiencel. They stated that age 16 was "The Harvest". Of course, we all thought that was far too young, but their comment was. "Think about it. Just how much influence do you have over your child once he or she is 16"? He has a lot of options, independence and truly by this time should be taking charge of his own life, making choices based on what he has learned through the other stages. Therefore, stage 16 - 19 was labeled "Counselor". That is the parent's job. They are there to help them along, suggest options and preferences, but the child should be in the driver's seat. They will either accept that counsel or reject it as they choose, largely depending on the relationship that has developed through the years.

Then stage 19 on, and throughout the child's life, a parent becomes a "Consultant". The speakers stated, "And do you know what a Consultant is?...Someone who gives advice when they are asked." Of course that's easier said than done, but I have come to truly believe this analogy. When we, as parents, overstep our bounds, it damages the relationship and makes the child less likely to adopt our values in his own life. Those young people who went against their parent's values and instructions once they left home, felt that exercising their own agency, a new found opportunity, meant making choices in opposition to the choices parents had made for them. Those who made the better choices, in most cases, were those who had been trusted to direct their own lives.

Now, all children are not the same. Some will make better choices than others at younger ages. However, I also know that "when a child feels lovable and capable, he/she is free to be the best he can be." I believe that completely. We may love and admire our children, but the point is that they must "feel" those things. The challenge is how to communicate your high opinion of them. The more we look for the good in our children and acknowledge it, the more likely they are to continue that good behavior as long as we are sincere. If we treat them with kindness and thoughtfulness and reflect love, they are more likely to act somewhat in that same way in return.

Now we must remember that we are dealing with teenagers. Their hormones, growth and general disposition will not be the final product. It takes much patience and loving support to see through their ups and downs. However, it is worth it. The key all along is holding the line on rules and expectations without getting angry or upset. Make reasonable rules along with consequences, both positive and negative in a family council and stick to them. If the children help make the rules and understand the purpose of the rules, they are far more likely to cooperate.

There is a difference between compliance and cooperation. We seek cooperation, a personal commitment to voluntarily follow the rules. Developing a positive family culture and keeping a good Spirit in the home is essential. Home needs to be a safe harbor for all family members- a place where each is loved, accepted, supported. and feels comfortable. It is our job to create that atmosphere.

Raising children is a spiritual task. These children are on loan to us from a loving Heavenly Father who knows them individually and loves them even more than we do. He is the source to which we must turn to get guidance and direction. From the time they are young, we must teach our children to ge their direction from Lord. Training them in listening to and heeding the promptings of the Holy Ghost will bless their lives. The Lord can and will answer their prayers directly. The sooner our children can become spiritually self reliant, the better choices they will make. It is most comforting to know that He is there, anxious to give the help needed to both us and our children. Even with our best efforts we will make mistakes. It's a part of the plan. Dealing with imperfection in others is one of the challenging tests of this life. Our imperfections as parents and those of our children, contribute to the development of character in each of us. I once heard, "It's easy to be an angel if no one ruffles your feathers." How do we deal with our mistakes and theirs? How do we act under pressures?

Truly loving our children enough to hold the line and assist them in solving their own problems, helping them take responsibility for the consequences of their choices in accordance with their ability to do so, and supporting them emotionally when they fall, is all a large part of a parent's job. We teach, nurture, warn, and ultimately share our experience as needed, but must have faith in our children to learn to make good decisions. The more free they are to make their own choices, possibly the better choices they will ultimately make. They'll make mistakes along the way, but if those mistakes are early, they might not be as difficult to correct and we will be close at hand to help them recognize and correct them. The consequences seem to be magnified when that opportunity to learn is delayed.

Love, kindness, appropriate structure, and high expectations matched to the child's interests and abilities take a lot of personal self control and wisdom. As we continue to work at improving ourselves, we will model the kind of growth we desire in them. The goal is to help our children become self-directed, confident decision makers who have the courage to stand firm to the principles and practices that will bring them the greatest success and happiness, and the will to tackle life with purpose and maturity. Parents who guide their children in learning good decision making skills throughout their growing years will make a healthy contribution to that goal.

No comments: